(Why Admitting it Can be Helpful)
I recently met Mary at a community function and we started chatting. Soon, she was telling me about her life: Her children, her grandchildren, and her husband, Charlie. Charlie had dementia, among other health issues, and Mary was adamant that he would stay at home with her for the rest of his life. Mary did all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and organized Charlie’s medications. She made his doctor’s appointments, drove him there, went in with him, took notes while speaking with the doctor, and then drove Charlie home. Mary was also now doing all of the chores that Charlie had previously done: The finances, doing or arranging home repairs, maintenance, and yardwork. Mary confessed that she was tired. Very tired.
“How long have you been a caregiver?” I asked her.
“I’m not a caregiver,” Mary said, a little sharply. “I’m his wife.”
Mary’s story isn’t unusual. Over the years I’ve heard similar accounts from sons and daughters, husbands, wives, friends, neighbors, partners and other relatives, followed by the statement, “I’m not a caregiver. I’m his/her…. Fill-in-the-blank.”
What is a caregiver?
A caregiver is a person that provides care to another adult with a chronic illness or disabling condition, or an older person who needs ongoing help with daily tasks, yet many people do not identify themselves as a caregiver. It might be because they don’t even recognize it in themselves – they feel they are just helping out, or it’s just something you do when someone needs help. It might be a family tradition, or expectation. Some avoid the title “caregiver” as an intimidating, or even frightening title, and still others don’t think they’re worthy of being called a caregiver. “Caregiver” is a title that implies responsibility, which some people can’t or won’t accept or admit to. The whole situation – from the severity of the condition or illness, to the illness or condition itself – becomes very real when you call yourself “caregiver.”
According to a 2020 report from AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, more than 1 in 5 adults – a total of 53 million adult Americans – are unpaid family caregivers.
A “family caregiver” can be someone caring for a spouse or parent, an extended family member, or a friend or neighbor. It can describe a person caring for a blood relative as well as those who provide care for someone in their family of choice. People from the same church congregation, life partners, or ex-spouses can all be considered family caregivers when providing care to another adult. You may be a caregiver and not even realize it.
Are YOU a caregiver?
Several years ago, Comedian Jeff Foxworthy and Peter Rosenberger, a caregiver and author, teamed up in a comedy routine, for National Family Caregivers Month on an AARP website. To help you figure out if you might be a caregiver, you can watch “You Might Be a Caregiver If …” by clicking here:
Determining if YOU ARE a caregiver.
The comedy routine is a fun way of recognizing caregivers, but it is important to recognize and understand if you are a caregiver. You might have undertaken caregiver duties without realizing it, and may now be wondering if, indeed, you are a caregiver.
Take a look at the questions below. Keep track of how many you answer with a “Yes.” This will determine whether or not you are a caregiver.
Do you provide unpaid care to an adult with a chronic illness or disabling condition or an older person who needs ongoing assistance with everyday tasks?
Do you schedule someone’s medical appointments? And/or drive them to their medical appointments?
Do you communicate with their health care professionals?
Do you manage someone’s medications (call in the refills, pick up the refills, and/or put the meds in the pill box) and/or ensure their medication is taken?
Do you monitor someone’s medical condition?
Do you advocate on their behalf with providers or agencies?
Do you regularly help someone get in and out of bed or chairs? Or help them get dressed? Or help them bathe or shower?
Do you provide unpaid care for an adult with a brain impairment such as memory loss, dementia, or a chronic health condition?
Do you do someone’s grocery shopping, and/or other shopping or errands?
Do you cook or provide meals for someone?
Do you do someone’s housework? Their laundry? And/or outside work like raking or shoveling?
Do you take care of someone’s checking account and/or pay their bills, sort their mail, or manage other finances?
Do you provide support to a family member or someone who is dependent on others, but does not live with you?
Does the person you are caring for depend on you for safety, finances, and/or errands?
Do you feel responsible for the health and well-being of the person you are caring for?
Are you stressed out by the additional responsibilities you’ve had to take on to help someone?
Do you spend so much time and energy taking care of your loved one that you sometimes neglect yourself?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, you are, by definition, a caregiver.
Why It Matters.
There are many benefits to recognizing, accepting and admitting you are a caregiver. First, you can discover the vital programs and services available to you, like the caregiver programs available through UPCAP. A good place to start is by calling the 2-1-1 Call Center. By dialing 2-1-1, you can get information and assistance specific to your needs. A visit to the online Upper Peninsula Caregiver Resource Center provides resources for family caregivers in all 15 counties of the U.P.. Go to http://www.upcap.org, then click on PROGRAMS and select Upper Peninsula Caregiver Resource Center, or click here: http://upcap.org/program/upper-peninsula-caregiver-resource-center/
When you identify as a caregiver, informed choices can be made. You will likely become more proactive, and less reactive. In fact, according to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 90 percent of people who recognize themselves as caregivers become more proactive, engaged and confident, and provide better care.
“Caregivers” also learn to effectively use community support services, such as UPCAP’s monthly Virtual Caregiver Support Group, which helps create a sense of belonging and connection. Caregivers who seek and receive assistance and information from others report feeling less isolated, anxious and depressed. Community support lets caregivers know they are not alone.
Finally, November is National Caregiver Appreciation Month. It’s a good time to celebrate you! Know you are needed and appreciated. Know you are making a difference, and that the help you are providing to someone is important.
Until next time, pidä huolta itsestäsi!
If you have questions, comments, or have caregiving topics you would like to see on this blog site, please send an e-mail to caregivers@upcap.org.
Disclaimer: This blog exists to provide general information, not specific professional advice. No content on this site should be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your physician or other qualified clinician. No products are endorsed on this blog.
